free

By Anna Hill

My name is Anna, my sexuality is Queer and my gender is Genderqueer. I like they/them pronouns and she/her ones too. It’s lovely to meet you.

Because there are a lot of definitions of the above words, I only recently discovered I was. And, as I think particularly for us gqs (genderqueers), visibility is really important. So, I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings about my gender and sexual orientation (And to reassure anyone else who feels similarly!).

I found “Queer” before I found “Genderqueer”, and when I think about why I love the word so much it’s because to me queer is free. This is an example of where definitions can actually be beneficial to lots of things: to self esteem, friendships, love affairs and confidence. I realized this about six months ago.

Since then, I’ve got my LGBTQ+ pride on and have enjoyed all sorts of wonderful things (such as rainbows and many great books about all the letters!!). I’ve found some wonderful queer people on Tumblr and have also kept some of my very wonderful, supportive friends. It’s been a lovely experience! (Unfortunately I am lucky in the context of the way queers are treated in the world).

I found this quote that summed it up for me: “Not like Queer as in gay. Queer like escaping definition” -Brandon Went

The obvious thing that I haven’t specifically talked about is the actual sex part of the “queer is my sexuality” thing. Personally, I define Queer as not straight, and although I dislike defining non-hegemonic ideas, concepts, genders or sexualities from what they are not, for the purpose of clarity this is easier. This can manifest in a lot of ways: being queer is being bisexual, is being gay, is being pansexual; it’s pretty much being whatever you like. Being queer is also about reclaiming loving yourself and not only WHO you love, but HOW you love, too – being Queer is challenging and futuristic and it does not coexist peacefully with the silly old fashioned, dusty gender binary.

More recently, I have uncovered my genderqueerness (now I sound like a gender detective, which isn’t something you should be! Respect people and respect their pronouns, whether they are kitten, her, xe, nym or muffin-top-potato). My questioning snowballed from Queer really, and this incredible exhibition called Most Important Ugly (http://arabellesicardi.com/tagged/most-important-ugly), which showcases beauty/ugliness from a wide range of people who ultimately define as a whole bunch of different and similar genders. It opened my eyes to possibilities in many of the interviews I read and it also presented me with the ability and exciting prospect of further exploring my own gender identity. This is something that I then did. I thus, I discovered how freeing (are you noticing a pattern here??) they/them pronouns were, and how they seemed to fit me on some days.

I found the word Enby (which is from the words non-binary, and are the equivalent of boy/girl), which I think is not only a cute word, but also very useful. Enby, or non-binary people are basically those that do not fit into the constructs we have of “boy/man” and “girl/woman”. They are outside that binary, and are a “third gender”, or a on a spectrum somewhere, or simply floating around in space (which is how I often feel). Non-Binary though, can also be a mix of all those feelings in one person at one time, or a combination of feeling like a boy sometimes and like out of that gender sometimes too. I am Enby, and I am happy to be. It has been quite confusing and complicated at times, because I felt a little lost, and had hardly any experience or anyone to talk to about it. But with a little help from my Tumblr friends, I pulled through and I feel happier and hazier and freer than ever.

Now I do still struggle sometimes and it can be confusing for me – for example some days I feel pretty certain I am a girl and I want she/hers please, and then some days were I continually question myself, like What am I? Shall I introduce myself with they/them pronouns? Why is this sooo confusing??!

But then I remember; my gender is important and unimportant. I am me, and ultimately that’s all I really need to survive. If you are still confused here: Sometimes I am a girl, sometimes I am not a girl. I am not a boy though, just a not-quite-really-at-all-in-the-middle-but-kinda-floating-about-on-a-cloud-of-chocolate-and-glitter Enby person.

Are we clear??