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New Year’s Resolutions of an Uppity Feminist

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By Yas Necati

How does the new year shape up for a bra-burning, man-hating, sex-loathing feminist? I give you… New Year’s Resolutions of a Women’s Rights Activist:

1. Burn my bra. In fact, burn all my bras. Bras are obviously the main source of my oppression and most dominant factor of a patriarchal society.

2. Burn everyone else’s bras. As bras are so blatantly the source of all evil, I will start on mine, then burn every other bra in the world, to finally achieve an egalitarian society.

3. Burn everything I own that is vaguely feminine. Femininity is a product of the patriarchy so I will seek to abolish it… then again, so is masculinity… let’s disallow both in all sexes!

4. Never again interfere with a single hair on my body. I will grow out ALL my bodily hair, and wherever possible, tie it into plaits.

5. Hate all men. Well this one’s a given. ALL men are the same, clones dominating over us, restricting our womanliness. I will not make contact with a single man in the new year.

6. Refuse to enter another heterosexual relationship… and purge myself of previous ones. Sleeping with the enemy is wrong! Making any contact with the enemy is wrong! I will avoid any intimacy with our enemies in the new year.

7. Become a sex-hating prude. In fact, I will refrain from all relationships. I despise sexualisation in mainstream culture… so I will now simply hate all sex and everything sexual.

8. Lock myself in my room and avoid any further contact with the outside world. As a man-hating, bra-burning, professional anti-sex feminist, I do not wish to have any exposure to the patriarchy. Considering that everything is patriarchal, even the trees, I will never leave the house again and absorb myself in feminist tumblr pages. I will only emerge from this sanctuary rarely, to intimidate innocent men on Twitter and restrict men’s freedom and rights by hurling abuse at them from my window.

Just a note that this post is satire, for any who might be in doubt! If you’d like to read my actual New Year’s Resolutions, please click here. Have a great new year, from all the team at PBG! :-)

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